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What to Do When a Man Becomes Distant

Women are constantly wondering what to do when a man becomes distant. When a man appears withdrawn, no matter how hard you try to get closer to him, you often just feel as if things are just getting worse instead of better. However, there are some very definite steps that you can take that will draw your man closer to you instead of pushing him further away. And isn’t this what you truly want to see happen?

So what is your best course of action when a man seems to be distant, inattentive, and withdrawn? Simply put, quite often our first instincts are to try to “talk” to our man about whatever is “bothering” him. So we begin to vocalize the dreaded sentence to a man, “We need to talk.” This, quite honestly, makes him pull further away because he senses your neediness. Now, you may be thinking, what is needy about wanting to know what is wrong with him? The answer is not one that you might readily understand, but is one that you need to begin to embrace if you are going to draw a man in for the long haul. Anytime your feelings are contingent upon what he is feeling, then a man begins to perceive this as needy. In other words, if when a man becomes distant, you begin to feel anxious and insecure, he begins to think that your happiness is dependent upon his doing or saying certain things. This makes him feel obligated and, believe it or not, even trapped. I know, I know – it’s hard to sometimes rationalize how simply wanting to talk about what is bothering him could make him experience these feelings, but unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens.

So knowing all of this, what should you do? First, remain calm and peaceful and happy. This might seem easier said than done, but with a little practice, it is something that you can learn to do without much effort. Take your attention away from him and his issues and begin to focus on your life and what makes you happy. You have probably been so involved with him and the relationship that you have started ignoring some hobbies or friends. This is a good time to get back in tune with both your friends and your hobbies and start to feel like “yourself” again instead of someone who is constantly waiting to see what he is going to do.

If he isn’t calling, isn’t asking you out, and has basically stopped all contact, just let it be. This is tough, but is doable if you will just remain determined to let him work through his own issues. When a man becomes distant, don’t text him or call him or ask him what is wrong. There is a time to express to him but not until he returns. And even though your biggest fear is that he is gone forever, most likely, he is not. Oftentimes, when a man becomes distant, it is one of the biggest compliments a woman can receive. If you have been seeing a man and everything has been going great but suddenly he becomes withdrawn, quite likely, he is trying to get his emotions back in check. When a man begins to care about a woman a great deal, he often pulls back so that he can regain control of his emotions. In other words, you have impacted him greatly and he feels somewhat out of control when he is with you. The only way he knows to regain control is to pull away from you. Most of the time, after a little distance, he will return. And the good news is, if you handle this period of distance effectively, he will be more in love with you than when he left.

This seems a little difficult to believe but men have verified this over and over and women whom have let him work through these emotional times on his own have often found that he returns always. Now the big question is after a man becomes distant, what should you do when he returns. This is the time that you are able to have a conversation that expresses some of what you feel.

There are actually two ways of dealing with his return, and your own particular situation will really dictate which method might be the most effective. If he has only become withdrawn for a short period of time and this is his first time doing so, and you have effectively waited until he renewed contact, then one of the best responses is to act as if you hardly even knew he was gone. This may be tough to do, but learn to “fake it until you make it.” For instance, if he calls and seems somewhat apologetic and says something like, “I’m sorry I haven’t called for awhile. I’ve been really busy with work, yada, yada, yada,” then you need to say something like, “Oh, how long has it been? I’ve felt so excited lately with my new yoga class (or whatever you have an interest in) that I haven’t had time to think about anything else.” Then, just expand on this and tell him how great you “feel.” Notice you are talking in feeling messages not thinking messages. This keeps you in your feminine mode.

Now let’s say that a man has become distant and he hasn’t contacted you for a month. After a while he calls and seems to think he can just waltz back in to your life as if nothing has happened. Or perhaps he has done this a time or two before. It is never acceptable for a man to play with your emotions, but we don’t want to say this to him, we want to “show” him it is unacceptable. There are a couple of ways to do this.

First, you should not be available immediately when he does call. If he calls today, wait a day to two days before returning the call. If he calls and doesn’t leave a message asking you to return the call, then don’t. A missed call is just that-it is not a request for a return call. After waiting the appropriate amount of time to return his call, be happy when you talk to him. However, when he asks to get together, don’t be available the first time and say something like, “I would have loved to go to the game with you on Friday, but I already have plans. How about we get together on Wednesday?”

When you get together, you might just simply say something like, “I don’t want to make a big issue out of this, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when I don’t hear from you for long periods of time. I feel unimportant and unappreciated when you do this. What do you think we should do?” You have not berated him for his actions. You have only stated how you feel. And, you have put the problem in his hands so he can “think” about a solution. Your job as a woman is to feel and his job as a man is to think.

Follow these simple steps when a man becomes distant and you will find that he begins to be much more open and talk to you about many things in his life. As tough as these steps may seem in the beginning, they are well worth it when you experience the results brought about by such actions.

If you liked these insights, there are more available in Bob Grant’s wonderful e-book called, “The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave.” Bob Grant, L.P.C., has taken his 17 years of private practice as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach and condensed only the best information into a mouth-watering, powerful handbook on what men find themselves powerless to resist in a woman. You can have this information simply by clicking here.

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11 Responses to What to Do When a Man Becomes Distant

  1. Luca says:

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    Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
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  5. Divine Mbaimbai says:

    Am really happy with this advise because now I know why he is even more distant. Knowledge is power

  6. Potter says:

    This article is nice from a mans point of veiw.

    As all the advice online says its normal and “its not because he doesn’t care” as that’s what I am feeling now. But all my male freinds say its over, if he really liked u he wudnt pull away, he’s giving u the sign to leave him alone? So don’t know what to belive anymore? Axnciety is killing me! :(

    As my man has gone distant all of a sudden. From have 4 dates, both saying we are like the male\female versions of each other and generally getting on well, and hearing from him xmas day…….then the distance thing started to happen? Hi sent him one message about 4 days later asking a general msg, he said he didn’t have reception back home (which is a fair point) and saying is “everything ok, havnt heard from u in a couple of days” he said everything was? And asked him one more text to meet up in the city for lunch, and he replied, but was at the other office not in the city which I forgot, but saying “I’m at the other office today so not in london, otherwise I would of course! Hope ur ok tho and hopefully we can catch up soon” …….that’s a good reply tho right?

    So messaged him back encouragingly “that’s cool, glad you want to meet up still :) there is that show we wanted to see on if u still wanted to go to that? Have fun tonight (NYE) and save a kiss for me under the mistletoe! :) hopefully see you in 2013 xx”. Good txt right?

    For xmas, the guy got me jack wills ear muffs for my present after 3 dates (gave it to me on our 4th) as he knew I’d lost mine………..which is why I don’t understand 3 days later that he’s gone this way?

    His best freind from thailan is back after a year, who he lives with in london but is from back home…….could he just be doing man stuff with him, as on facebook he’s been with him a lot?

    Now……………nothing? 5 days?

    My question: how do u know if he’s just being a man and wanting space, or if he’s giving u the sign he’s lost interest?

    *How much time is recommeneded?

    What about “if a guy likes u he will make the effort”?

    Thank you :(

  7. jaunetta owens says:

    i have played the good cop bad cop role and that is not got me too a role of getting married an that is not the reason that i am not married i just never want to play with my feeling that all the things that you will do in life is good but just when you think that all that you do is not the best thing in your life but you will make the best of the bad because everybody loves you but you want that one for yourself n when that do ot come around you just think that everything is alright but i am tired of the excuses men be having so i just sit back an work off what i have an you know we woman can do wat we feel because i just do not want anybody for just one night i need everyday everynight not because i want it but that is all i know about relationship i wish somebody out there can give me some solid help or just tell me or some advice that work i have read the steve harvey book an i listen to him all the time he really have told on the men in the world i guess because he is married an i must say he is doing good and i hope my life can be a little bit like his because he is not laying anymore and he hope that all is good no matter what you do god will move you to place in life to bless or be a blessing to somebody because you can not get up an not help somebody if you have been helped or saved or rescued from the street of destruction and hell bent to do no right no good but good has moved so many things out of my life so i just keep going because i can not stop at the lest little thing that is going on in everybody life because there is never a way to say it but thanks i hope somebody can email me back because i need help or advice.

  8. Distant Guy says:

    Thanks for sharing this Great and informative article, it is really an eye opening, thanks again:)

  9. meenah says:

    OMG! ’ve already done all the don’ts, and honestly, things are worse than they were, please advice M̶̲̅ε̲̣ on ΨåƮ to do to make things right.

  10. Nick says:

    Hi Mousa, you make a very good point. Patience will allow the other end to think about the consequences good and bad. It also let’s them know that you don’t depend on them and that you are an independent person. This is key.

  11. Mousa says:

    Relationships need patience. I’m proud to have tried it and did much better than some people in some cultures.

    I used to intentionally keep giving her constant attention and praise her, compliment her,etc… However, my trust went in vain ,because of my nationality. Cruel world. People are weak creatures ; they turned against me ,because of my nationality that is perceived as weak. I’m proud that despite my failure, I’m actually way better than the so proud and famed “Wannabes” ; my relationship failed because of bad people who prefer Loss/Win situations ; I realized later on that the woman wanted to discipline me which has driven me even more mad.

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